Patience Is Key
Having our son home with us has been somewhat of an adjustment.
At first, it was the sleepless nights, getting used to him, learning his personality and habits, etc, now I’m learning something new, how to be patient.
I’m the type of person that feels an urge to do many things when I think about them, like: looking something up, paying a bill, ordering something, going somewhere and so on.
I get very impatient and anxious when I feel like I’m putting something off for too long.
Having our son here with us and making him the priority has forced me to more patient.
There are times that he has to be fed, or be tended to when he’s crying or fussing.
At these times, I sometimes would have to put off what I am doing to make sure that he is fine.
Even then, patience doesn’t always come easy, I still find myself anxious and impatient sometimes, but I am trying to be easy on myself…after all, this is my first full week of being a dad.
From Son To Father
Something else that I have learned to do is to be more calm.
I am making this adjustment because of my son also but this time it’s for a different reason.
This time I’m learning from him. Let me explain…being around someone that is so unafraid to be themselves can rub off on you, even though I’m supposed to be rubbing off on him.
And yes, he’s a baby, he doesn’t know how to be fake or be anyone other than himself, but it doesn’t matter who it is, if there is a trait in a person that you admire, you’re going to start taking after that person.
In this case, it’s my son that has a trait that I admire, it’s a trait that is making me fall in love with him, it’s his calmness.
It’s the fact that he can lay awake without a pacifier, bottle or nipple in his mouth and be content enough to not cry or even make a sound. It’s when I kiss him several times consecutively on his cheeks and he doesn’t fuss. And it’s when I grab his arms and legs and move them around as if he is dancing or when I raise him up and lightly swing him around and he still doesn’t get irritated and cry.
These are the things that I think about when I think about him, these things make me love him even more. He’s a really cute kid, but I really love his personality!!
A Sunken In Feeling
I mentioned in the last post that I haven’t bonded with my son yet. This statement remains true.
It’s a weird feeling. I love my son, I love the way he looks, I love how calm he is and I love his personality, but yet I don’t feel like he is my son yet…I don’t feel like a dad yet.
I feel weird calling him my son. It feels weird thinking about the fact that I am a father now.
When my girlfriend was pregnant with our son, it didn’t quite sink in completely that he would be born at some point, now he’s here and the concept of me being a father still hasn’t sunken in.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m just not ready to be a dad or if it’s because I’ve lived so much of my life without children.
I hope the feeling of fatherhood comes with time.
The Present is a Present
Lately, I’ve been thinking about the fact that my son will be in my life indefinitely. I know it’s stupid to say.
The feeling that comes with this thought can be pretty scary. It’s a thought that hadn’t crossed my mind before he was born.
It’s obvious yet hard to grasp. I know, I know, yes…it’s my son, he’s going to be around me for the rest of my life and beyond. But it’s that thought that leaves me in disbelief, not in a good or bad way, but it’s hard to believe.
I’m going to watch him grow one day at a time until he is much older than I am now. It’s a tough concept to grasp.
I think part of the reason why I think about this is because I’m afraid of commitment and being in this position is overwhelming to say the least.
Yet the other part of me is very excited to be able to see him grow from one stage to the next. It’s an overwhelming but exciting journey.
I know people say “today is a gift and that’s why it’s called the present” but I feel like the present is a present for a different reason.
This time it’s because I am excited to know what each day brings. I never know what I’m going to unwrap.